Yesterday I was so depressed. I have been having the hardest time coming to terms with my grammys tragic death and also learning that my fathers cancer has come back as well. I was in a slump. My brain has been foggy and I havent been able to meditate. I was pulling things online about the grieving process and loss and even considering a grievance counselor. I even wrote a blog note that I didnt publish, but just wrote to vent :/ I have been trying to stay strong for my mum and family, but its hard. Even trying to put up my strong face in front of my friends.
Well, I have a dear friend who just returned from Austalia where he practiced intensely with a guru. When I saw him he was so full of light on Monday :) Out of the blue he texted me yesterday to come do some yoga and meditation with him. He mentioned he had been shining a light on me and thinking about my healing in Australia. I had also told him the previous night that I was having issues coping (the only person I told). When a friend of mine and I arrived to her house, he had cleansed the house, lit candles and set up an alter. He took us through yoga salutations and then thru deep meditation. It was the first time since my grammy past that I was able to meditate and completely opened up. There was one candle that I focused on and it kept twittering. I even felt my grammys presence as I meditated and saw images of her in the different phases of her life. I felt her STRENGTH as I performed the salutations. I cried and smiled and in the end I feel so amazing. I am so grateful for having special people in my life and even more grateful that my feelings of depression, anger, and sadness have been curbed (what a difference a day makes). I am still figuring out this coping thing. Sometimes it feels like Im shot full of novacaine and Im just wondering what will happen when the numbness goes away...if it ever goes away. You see I dont want to ever forget my grammy or get over her (as some people say), but I do want to heal from losing her. It has only been a month and I know time heals all wounds.
For now I'm realizing my blessing and grateful to have my friends and family by my side :)
7 comments:
Oh honey I'm so sorry, you sound like you are going through such a hard time. Your friends return is an eye opening blessing, just remember to keep positive through the bad times and keep your faith and hope xxx
I'm so happy you have people in your life to help you heal. Its what you need the most. I am also learning to realize my blessings and be grateful for those I care for. Take care!
SUCH A BLESSING! I HOPE YOUR WELL!
KIMMIE
Hi Toni Alexis,
I checked now to see how it's with you after your loss.I'm really sorry to discover that you had such a bad day,but on the other hand you see how life sent you the right person at the right time :).I'm glad you could meditate and open up.Maybe you shouldn't be scared to open up also in front of your family.I'm sure it's not easy for them either.
You know,in my life I haven't lost someone special yet...or maybe I will be the first,but I also think that we're mostly scared that we'll forget about a person who's gone.But don't worry,you'll not forget your grandmother,because you loved her so much.
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Stay strong! Thank God for your friends...and meditation techniques. God bless!!!
I also wanted to ad that be strong for your father and take care of him.Be with him.Many cancers can be cured nowadays,that is why you must not lose your hope.
Don't worry about forgetting your grandma, my love. My grandma passed away five years ago now, and I have and will always remember everything she taught me. I'm glad you had someone there to help you cope with the bad times, and if you need to call and talk I am still around-- always here! I hope that things turn around and get better :)
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